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To all my Friends who have lost Babies

November 2, 2016
To my friends

To my dear friends,

My heart is saddened every time I hear of another loss whether it be through miscarriage, an ectopic pregnancy or a stillborn. So many of you are just like me and my husband, young married couples with one or two kids or trying to have your first and then the inevitable happens. The baby or babies die. Everyone’s experience and grief is different but I am here to offer as much comfort to you as I can, because I know what that feeling is like.

It’s a terrible helpless feeling, deep inside your very soul, tearing you apart inside and welling up, spilling over in uncontrollable tears or slow heartbreaking sobs or just a compete sense of numb disbelief.

How can this be happening to me? How can this be real? Why couldn’t life just continue on  as before? Why did my baby have to die? These are the questions that swirl through your mind and follow you through your days, shadowing your footsteps and darkening your daily routines with a deep gut wrenching sense of utter sadness.

Our family is no longer complete. There is someone missing.

It is the most horrible feeling in the world and yet there is no cure for it, only time and God’s unfailing grace to spur you on to keep living after your baby has died. There is your husband and hopefully other children to go on living for. There is a renewed sense of gratitude for the blessings and family you still have with you on earth and a realization that life is fleeting and Heaven is waiting.

But there is still a deep sense that someone is missing and I don’t think that will ever fully leave you until you meet that someone again.

It is heartbreaking friends, almost too heartbreaking for words, but it is what we are up against after the loss of a baby. So as much as I can’t do anything for your sorrow, I want to be here for you as much as I can. Even though it won’t erase your grief, I hope to ease it just a little bit through open arms, supportive gestures, understanding words, but especially through prayer.

Constant, endless prayer to surround you,  my friend, as you walk the walk of grief.

Because only God can truly heal and embrace your broken heart. Only He can put back together your shattered dreams for this new little life growing inside of you who was taken too soon. Only He can see the depths of your pain and enter into that pain with you as an all merciful and loving Father. Only He can give you the strength to go on living and suffering joyfully. Only He can bring good out of utter complete tragedy.

Only God can truly heal and embrace your broken heart.Click To Tweet

“He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” -Revelation 21:4.

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Do not run away from Him my friends, even though you may feel angry toward Him. Run to Him and pour out your grief, your anguish, even your bitterness toward Him and let Him fill that emptiness in your heart.

For as much as suffering hurts and we all dread having to face it in our lives, it will inevitably come in one form or another and we have a choice in how we respond to it. Only God can help us to face it and He will give you the grace to endure the pain and the people to support you in your walk of sorrow.

St John Paul II describes suffering well when he says:

For it is above all a call. It is a vocation. Christ does not explain in the abstract the reasons for suffering, but before all else he says: “Follow me!” Come! Take part through your suffering in this work of saving the world, a salvation achieved through my suffering! Through my cross. Gradually, as the individual takes up his cross, spiritually uniting himself to the cross of Christ, the salvific meaning of suffering is revealed before him. –Salvifici Doloris (On the Christian Meaning of Human Suffering).

Lean on those around you, the people whom God has gifted to you and be on the lookout for those little signs, those little blessings that God is good and that you are loved. He has not forgotten you in your unspeakable pain. He will be the Simon helping to carry your cross when you can’t possibly take one more step.

Lean on those around you, the people whom God has gifted to you.Click To Tweet

“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” -Psalm 34:18

For me, I found those little moments of comfort in the prayers of others, in the cards, emails and tokens of understanding I received after my loss. I found comfort in pouring out my sorrow in writing and in sharing my grief with others, particularly those who have gone through a similar experience themselves.

There is a raw beauty and comforting solidarity when you can share your grief with those around you who are walking the same journey. Often when I think of my baby and the sadness starts to overcome me, I remember those among my acquaintance who are also feeling the same way and it is comforting to know that I’m not alone in bearing the difficult ache of missing my child. Inevitably, I’m reminded to pray for you, my friends, in those moments.

I often think of all our little ones in Heaven, laughing and playing together, the best of friends, just like our healthy children are laughing and playing together on earth. The siblings and friends in Heaven watching over the siblings and friends on earth.

There is a comforting solidarity when you can share your grief with those who are walking the same journey.Click To Tweet

There is a comfort in knowing that my baby is in good company.

There is a comfort in hearing the story that was told by a priest at another baby’s funeral where he spoke of a woman who had died some years earlier of cancer and had told her husband that when she went to Heaven, she wanted to rock all the babies who never got to be rocked on earth. How heartrendingly beautiful.

I have found solace in creating a name plaque and planting tulips to remember our baby at our home,  (this custom print was created by Sweet Little Ones Shop).

I’ve been comforted by listening to songs about loss like I Believe by Diamond Rio, reflecting on this miscarriage prayer written by Mother Angelica , and displaying google images like this one on my desktop so every time I sit down at my computer I am reminded of the reality and hope  of the next life:

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I’ve let the grief wash over me, cried my heart out, snuggled my living children a little more, and taken my blessings for granted a little less.

And now, my dear sweet friends, I want to offer whatever comfort and support I can to you because so much comfort and so many little moments of hope have been offered to me. I’m only a phone call or an email away if you ever want to swap feelings.

Nothing can bring our babies back, but time and love can help heal us, bring us peace, and allow us to go on living as we look forward to the someday when we will finally get to meet our little ones. In the meantime, we can certainly be there for each other.

May you be surrounded with everything you need to get through each hard moment as it comes. May God be with you and may your child or children watch over you from above.

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” Philippians 4:8

 

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